I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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