Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
