The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He better not be in your backpack
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
