so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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