Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
