Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
