i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
