he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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