if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
