woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
