i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
