My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
