Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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