Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize