You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
