i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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