question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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