I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
