She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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