the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
