Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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