I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
