we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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