shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
