ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i believe in u and ur pee
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
