I just saw a hot homeless man
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My feet surprised me
Randomize
