hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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