did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
