I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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