I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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