i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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