So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize