woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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