I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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