explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
