made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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