guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
tell me about the fingering
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