when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize