so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
