On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
