Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
