take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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