they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
