He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
