apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
