Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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