Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
