First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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