he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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