I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
