Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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