pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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