how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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