doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
