fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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