I CAN MOONWALK!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
