lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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