This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
