Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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