Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
